Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Battle of "Alone"

I went to the gym today - not an abnormal occurrence in my world... matter of fact, quite normal... but today marked the first day in an entire week that I have gone. That is actually the abnormality. I typically go 3-5 times a week. I need it for mental health reasons.

One of the things that amazes me is how the music I need to listen to just seems to find me. One of the first songs that came up was "Defying Gravity" from the Wicked soundtrack. I listened to it and suddenly realized: "Yes. There it is."

Lines that got me today:
You can have all you ever wanted...
I know. But I don't want it. No. I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.
It's time to try defying gravity.

I'm through accepting limits
Cause someone says they're so.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost.

And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free.
This summer has been odd. I've alluded to that before talking about going in circles. But what is intriguing to me is that I came "this close" to losing myself again. There's a circle if ever there was one. I found myself justifying things that weren't what I really wanted in a relationship. Due to various circumstances and conversations, I was dealt a healthy reminder of what's important early on. I still fought it, but I think I may have finally learned this lesson. I certainly hope I have, anyway.

I may not want to be alone when all is said and done. But I'd rather be alone and happy with who I am than to have compromised on what I want just so I'm not alone.

I have to admit how frustrating being a single mom is at times. It does get lonely. While I regret nothing, there are times that my desire to be a bit more free and able to date and do various things that are "responsibility free" can be huge. Usually hits when I meet someone who I really want to be with who is more "responsibility free" than I am because there are no kids at home. And it's hard not to feel that someone loses interest in me because I'm a mom with kids who will be around for at least another 8 years - that the other person doesn't want to give up his lifestyle for mine. I've felt that now 3 times, but it has only been confirmed to me once.

It's sad, really. I have two fabulous children. They are the lights of my life and I enjoy them more than they can ever realize... at least until they have their own children - then maybe they'll know. They add so much depth and joy to my being, and while I'd love to share that with someone, I cannot compromise on what I want and need just to have someone else. That's what got me here in the first place. And while my kids do cause me to be more permanently bound to where I live than I'd like to admit, where I live has such a shallow dating pool it isn't funny.

One day I might go from being a MILF to a MILHARW [Mom I'd like to have a relationship with - and yes, I find both acronyms amusing], but until then, I hope the frustration that I've felt of late doesn't overtake the sheer joy I have because of my children. I was glad they weren't home to witness that frustration, honestly.

What I know: I can't lose myself again. I can't change who I am for anyone else. And I don't need to compromise on what I need/want so I'm not alone.

Matter of fact, I won't. And if I have to listen to this song 100 times a day to remind me of that, then so be it.

No comments:

Post a Comment