Lap Time

The estrogen is clearly running amuck in my household. Both of my girls seem to be having emotional breakdowns that I completely understand, and I've wanted to help ease the pain for them somehow... but at the same time I really can't solve their problems and concerns.

Separately, both girls needed to sit in my lap tonight and curl up in a fetal position. They just needed to talk and cry and get out some of the angst, sadness, and emotion that is consuming them. I put down everything I was working on and just held them. Didn't really offer advice, but pulled them close, stroked their hair, kissed their foreheads, and held them.

And while I know I'm not God, I couldn't help but think of all the times I've figuratively crawled into His lap, talked, and cried. I'm so glad that those arms are always open for me.

Camp?

Me, this past summer, riding the zip line

the day I picked the girls up from camp

My girls go to the same camp I went to as a child. We LOVE this camp. LOVE IT. No other words to describe it. My kids go for four weeks every summer, and they get to ride horses, water ski, swim, dance, putt putt, wilderness skills, etc. It's a teaching camp, and the time is needed so skills can develop.

I've been jealous of them for the past three years, and when I picked them up this summer I had a long conversation with one of the directors about how I'd love to work there again.

Well... that conversation has continued off and on, and finally reached a point that I went to visit there this past weekend and had a conversation with the directors about next summer. When I left, we had an agreement in principle that we would try to make something work. Don't know yet, as they have to see how the staff shakes out, but they are interested, I'm interested, and we just have to see if it is right. One of the issues is how long I could work. Six weeks would be ideal, but they could really use ten weeks. Part of what they need to do is see if they can find someone to do the same job I would do for the last four weeks of camp.

Sooooo.... I might be at camp with my kids this summer!

I'm a little concerned about invading their space, but at the same time this is something I've thought about doing when they are older. If I can make it happen, and it helps me to pay for camp, why not? It truly is one of my favorite places on earth.

I've Become One of THOSE Neighbors

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Just call me Mrs. Kravitz.

Ok, so maybe I haven't become one of those neighbors, but the neighbors' dog is driving me stark raving mad.

It's a beautiful brown puppy. Full of energy. Clearly bored. Wants to play. Doesn't get enough attention. Looks a bit like this:

But it has decided it likes my house.

It likes my house A LOT.

So much so that it:

• stole the roller blades [have you ever felt how heavy roller blades are?] out of my garage and took them across the street.
• barged into my house when we were coming in, run into DD2's bedroom and grabbed a bunny slipper [prey, you know] and took off with it.
• Knocked DD2 down while she is trying to roller blade or ride the scooter.
• Destroyed DD1's school project that she's been working on for several weeks.

I could go on. What have I done?

• Walked over to the neighbor's house with the dog, rang the doorbell, introduced myself to the man who lives there [Ok, that's sad], and said "I hate to meet you like this, but you really need to do something about the dog. He's causing a number of problems at my house."
• The next day the dog was back at my house - I walked back over there, rang the doorbell and got no answer, so I left a note on their car asking them to PLEASE do something about the dog, that he is terrorizing my house, destroyed the project, etc.
• I've now parked my car in the driveway so the dog won't go into my garage, where the project is being worked on. I can't even use my own garage!?!?!?!?!
• Sent the girls over with the dog, asked them to ring the doorbell, and deliver the dog home.
  
• I've gone back over there and talked to the woman who lives there and asked "What is the plan for the dog? This is becoming a huge problem."
• Within less than a half hour, I yelled at the boy playing basketball in their driveway to please come get the dog, who was back at my house AGAIN.

I'm really a nice person. I'm a good neighbor. But seriously... at what point do you call Animal Control? Because they are clearly not controlling that animal. The dog has been back at my house again this morning. I understand that some things might take time, but I have a child who is crying because she can't go outside, my car parked outside in the driveway, and high blood pressure - over a neighbor's DOG!

Where's Abner when you need him?

Sisters Sitting Around The Table

Some of us sitting on the front steps of the sorority house

Last weekend I met up with nineteen other sorority sisters from when I was in college. Most were from the pledge classes after mine; three others pledged before I did.

As people arrived, it was amazing how the years literally melted away. It was so easy to walk through the house and think about things we did together there, and how much these women were a part of my life when I was in college. I know that I loved my college experience because of these women; I just don't know that I really appreciated what a special thing we had when we were in the midst of it.

I would be paying attention to the cameras :)

At dinner I sat close to the middle of the table, so I found myself engaged in multiple conversations at different times. But as I'm wont to do, I also found myself sitting there just absorbing the energy of the room, and thinking about what incredible people these women are. Each one has a story to tell about where life has taken them in the 19-21 years since we were in college together. Some are very successful professional women. Others stay at home with their kids. Some are married; some are single. All have made some difficult choices along the way, and all are women I respect and love. All of us were shaped by the joint experience that is our sorority - one that honored us as individuals yet allowed the group to be something greater than anything we could have done on our own.

Moments like these reconfirm for me what a great decision it was to be involved in Greek life. It's not about parties, really - although they are a lot of fun, and tend to be what turns the heads of 17 and 18 year old women as they are going through rush/recruitment.

No, what sorority is really about is much bigger than that. It's about the relationships that form that are truly life-long. It's about being supported as you move from home to college, a chance to learn who you are within a peer group, not to mention an opportunity to gain some valuable social and leadership skills in a safe environment. When people ask me why I'm still involved, it all boils down to this: I want to be sure that women have what I did when I was in college.

I loved sitting at that table with my sisters. And I truly can't wait to do it again.

Mom of the Year

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I joke frequently that I'm competing for the "Mom of the Year" award. I also joke that I typically lose it within the first few hours of any given year.

Years can start at various times - for instance, now is the beginning of the school year, so I can be in the running for "Mom of the Year" again... just this time it's a school year.

Yeah, well... that's already gone.

Today - Open House. That went pretty well.

Afterwards - School supply and grocery shopping. Just a few incidents between the two darlings.

Then... piano lesson time. About an hour prior DD2 is practicing. She hit a part that she struggled with, kind of asked for help, then burst into tears. "I want to quit piano" she exhorted. Followed by this, and so much more:

Why won't you let me?

I hate piano!

It's not fair, Mom!

You love DD1 more than me!

I don't want to!

I hate you!!!!

Amazingly, I remained fairly calm during all of this. Fell into the arguing with her trap once or twice. Sent her to her room when she got really out of hand where she could kick, scream, yell to her heart's content without being in my face. As it was time to go to piano, I made her go. Didn't yell at her, although I will admit I threatened spanking at one point. Pulled her from the house to the car, placed her inside, shut the door behind her, and quickly got in the car and got it started so the doors would be locked and she couldn't run away. She cried and screamed all the way over there [a whopping 2.5 miles]. When we got there, she grabbed onto the arm rest in the back seat, and I pried her off. I drug her into piano lessons, and informed her teacher (whom I adore) that I would be staying.

She finally calmed down during DD1's piano lessson, and then asked to sit in my lap. I welcomed her with open arms. Held her tightly for a good 15 minutes. Kissed her forehead. Told her I love her.

Then she proceeded to have a great piano lesson.

Ok... whatever.

It's one of those things I struggle with. I think she needs piano, and I've told her that when it comes to piano, it's non-negotiable. Music works your brain differently than reading, writing, math, dance, etc. And I've been concerned that when she gets to something difficult, she just stops. Gives up without even trying. Turns on those beautiful eyes of hers and somebody comes to her rescue. And I know, deep in my heart, that if I let her stop now, at some point in her life she will regret it. It's not like she's a horrible piano player... she's fabulous. Has a natural gift.

But geez, Louise, this one was tough today. It would have been easy to just give in. We had this argument a number of times last year, too.

And while she fought me today, she really didn't fight me all that hard, other than yelling at me and saying, "I hate you!" with such venom and ferocity that she clearly wanted me to react. She didn't appreciate that I didn't speak to her while she was screaming at me. She really didn't appreciate it when I started to chuckle several times. I told her before, just as I told her today - I'm not interested in conversing with her when she's upset or screaming. I also know she's tired - we got up early today for Open House, and we will have a readjustment period to school.

Yet when it comes down to it, I really have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. God, I hope that I am.

Despite all of that, what is most clear to me is how much this whole situation is like God's love for us. We kick and scream. We think we know better. We tell the Divine that we hate him/her, yet the love just never stops. The lap is always there ready for us to climb into it.

Unconditional love. I get it.

Mom of the Year? It'll never happen.

The Battle of "Alone"

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I went to the gym today - not an abnormal occurrence in my world... matter of fact, quite normal... but today marked the first day in an entire week that I have gone. That is actually the abnormality. I typically go 3-5 times a week. I need it for mental health reasons.

One of the things that amazes me is how the music I need to listen to just seems to find me. One of the first songs that came up was "Defying Gravity" from the Wicked soundtrack. I listened to it and suddenly realized: "Yes. There it is."

Lines that got me today:

You can have all you ever wanted...

I know. But I don't want it. No. I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.

It's time to try defying gravity.

I'm through accepting limits

Cause someone says they're so.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.

Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost.

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free.

This summer has been odd. I've alluded to that before talking about going in circles. But what is intriguing to me is that I came "this close" to losing myself again. There's a circle if ever there was one. I found myself justifying things that weren't what I really wanted in a relationship. Due to various circumstances and conversations, I was dealt a healthy reminder of what's important early on. I still fought it, but I think I may have finally learned this lesson. I certainly hope I have, anyway.

I may not want to be alone when all is said and done. But I'd rather be alone and happy with who I am than to have compromised on what I want just so I'm not alone.

I have to admit how frustrating being a single mom is at times. It does get lonely. While I regret nothing, there are times that my desire to be a bit more free and able to date and do various things that are "responsibility free" can be huge. Usually hits when I meet someone who I really want to be with who is more "responsibility free" than I am because there are no kids at home. And it's hard not to feel that someone loses interest in me because I'm a mom with kids who will be around for at least another 8 years - that the other person doesn't want to give up his lifestyle for mine. I've felt that now 3 times, but it has only been confirmed to me once.

It's sad, really. I have two fabulous children. They are the lights of my life and I enjoy them more than they can ever realize... at least until they have their own children - then maybe they'll know. They add so much depth and joy to my being, and while I'd love to share that with someone, I cannot compromise on what I want and need just to have someone else. That's what got me here in the first place. And while my kids do cause me to be more permanently bound to where I live than I'd like to admit, where I live has such a shallow dating pool it isn't funny.

One day I might go from being a MILF to a MILHARW [Mom I'd like to have a relationship with - and yes, I find both acronyms amusing], but until then, I hope the frustration that I've felt of late doesn't overtake the sheer joy I have because of my children. I was glad they weren't home to witness that frustration, honestly.

What I know: I can't lose myself again. I can't change who I am for anyone else. And I don't need to compromise on what I need/want so I'm not alone.

Matter of fact, I won't. And if I have to listen to this song 100 times a day to remind me of that, then so be it.

Least Complicated

"the hardest to learn was the least complicated"

Things I've heard lately that fuel my thoughts - some of these are in my own head... some of these are from friends:

• "I hate to see you wasting your time."
• "What do you want?"
• "Live in the present."
• "If only life offered us more easy answers."
• "Don't settle."

I've been listening to the voices, and I'm sensing a pattern. And none of this seems complicated, yet I tend to make it so. I think the answers may be easier than I realized.

And what I thought represented a fresh start seems to be nothing more than a circle.

Back to moving forward again.