I've Become One of THOSE Neighbors

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Just call me Mrs. Kravitz.

Ok, so maybe I haven't become one of those neighbors, but the neighbors' dog is driving me stark raving mad.

It's a beautiful brown puppy. Full of energy. Clearly bored. Wants to play. Doesn't get enough attention. Looks a bit like this:

But it has decided it likes my house.

It likes my house A LOT.

So much so that it:

• stole the roller blades [have you ever felt how heavy roller blades are?] out of my garage and took them across the street.
• barged into my house when we were coming in, run into DD2's bedroom and grabbed a bunny slipper [prey, you know] and took off with it.
• Knocked DD2 down while she is trying to roller blade or ride the scooter.
• Destroyed DD1's school project that she's been working on for several weeks.

I could go on. What have I done?

• Walked over to the neighbor's house with the dog, rang the doorbell, introduced myself to the man who lives there [Ok, that's sad], and said "I hate to meet you like this, but you really need to do something about the dog. He's causing a number of problems at my house."
• The next day the dog was back at my house - I walked back over there, rang the doorbell and got no answer, so I left a note on their car asking them to PLEASE do something about the dog, that he is terrorizing my house, destroyed the project, etc.
• I've now parked my car in the driveway so the dog won't go into my garage, where the project is being worked on. I can't even use my own garage!?!?!?!?!
• Sent the girls over with the dog, asked them to ring the doorbell, and deliver the dog home.
  
• I've gone back over there and talked to the woman who lives there and asked "What is the plan for the dog? This is becoming a huge problem."
• Within less than a half hour, I yelled at the boy playing basketball in their driveway to please come get the dog, who was back at my house AGAIN.

I'm really a nice person. I'm a good neighbor. But seriously... at what point do you call Animal Control? Because they are clearly not controlling that animal. The dog has been back at my house again this morning. I understand that some things might take time, but I have a child who is crying because she can't go outside, my car parked outside in the driveway, and high blood pressure - over a neighbor's DOG!

Where's Abner when you need him?

Sisters Sitting Around The Table

Some of us sitting on the front steps of the sorority house

Last weekend I met up with nineteen other sorority sisters from when I was in college. Most were from the pledge classes after mine; three others pledged before I did.

As people arrived, it was amazing how the years literally melted away. It was so easy to walk through the house and think about things we did together there, and how much these women were a part of my life when I was in college. I know that I loved my college experience because of these women; I just don't know that I really appreciated what a special thing we had when we were in the midst of it.

I would be paying attention to the cameras :)

At dinner I sat close to the middle of the table, so I found myself engaged in multiple conversations at different times. But as I'm wont to do, I also found myself sitting there just absorbing the energy of the room, and thinking about what incredible people these women are. Each one has a story to tell about where life has taken them in the 19-21 years since we were in college together. Some are very successful professional women. Others stay at home with their kids. Some are married; some are single. All have made some difficult choices along the way, and all are women I respect and love. All of us were shaped by the joint experience that is our sorority - one that honored us as individuals yet allowed the group to be something greater than anything we could have done on our own.

Moments like these reconfirm for me what a great decision it was to be involved in Greek life. It's not about parties, really - although they are a lot of fun, and tend to be what turns the heads of 17 and 18 year old women as they are going through rush/recruitment.

No, what sorority is really about is much bigger than that. It's about the relationships that form that are truly life-long. It's about being supported as you move from home to college, a chance to learn who you are within a peer group, not to mention an opportunity to gain some valuable social and leadership skills in a safe environment. When people ask me why I'm still involved, it all boils down to this: I want to be sure that women have what I did when I was in college.

I loved sitting at that table with my sisters. And I truly can't wait to do it again.

Mom of the Year

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I joke frequently that I'm competing for the "Mom of the Year" award. I also joke that I typically lose it within the first few hours of any given year.

Years can start at various times - for instance, now is the beginning of the school year, so I can be in the running for "Mom of the Year" again... just this time it's a school year.

Yeah, well... that's already gone.

Today - Open House. That went pretty well.

Afterwards - School supply and grocery shopping. Just a few incidents between the two darlings.

Then... piano lesson time. About an hour prior DD2 is practicing. She hit a part that she struggled with, kind of asked for help, then burst into tears. "I want to quit piano" she exhorted. Followed by this, and so much more:

Why won't you let me?

I hate piano!

It's not fair, Mom!

You love DD1 more than me!

I don't want to!

I hate you!!!!

Amazingly, I remained fairly calm during all of this. Fell into the arguing with her trap once or twice. Sent her to her room when she got really out of hand where she could kick, scream, yell to her heart's content without being in my face. As it was time to go to piano, I made her go. Didn't yell at her, although I will admit I threatened spanking at one point. Pulled her from the house to the car, placed her inside, shut the door behind her, and quickly got in the car and got it started so the doors would be locked and she couldn't run away. She cried and screamed all the way over there [a whopping 2.5 miles]. When we got there, she grabbed onto the arm rest in the back seat, and I pried her off. I drug her into piano lessons, and informed her teacher (whom I adore) that I would be staying.

She finally calmed down during DD1's piano lessson, and then asked to sit in my lap. I welcomed her with open arms. Held her tightly for a good 15 minutes. Kissed her forehead. Told her I love her.

Then she proceeded to have a great piano lesson.

Ok... whatever.

It's one of those things I struggle with. I think she needs piano, and I've told her that when it comes to piano, it's non-negotiable. Music works your brain differently than reading, writing, math, dance, etc. And I've been concerned that when she gets to something difficult, she just stops. Gives up without even trying. Turns on those beautiful eyes of hers and somebody comes to her rescue. And I know, deep in my heart, that if I let her stop now, at some point in her life she will regret it. It's not like she's a horrible piano player... she's fabulous. Has a natural gift.

But geez, Louise, this one was tough today. It would have been easy to just give in. We had this argument a number of times last year, too.

And while she fought me today, she really didn't fight me all that hard, other than yelling at me and saying, "I hate you!" with such venom and ferocity that she clearly wanted me to react. She didn't appreciate that I didn't speak to her while she was screaming at me. She really didn't appreciate it when I started to chuckle several times. I told her before, just as I told her today - I'm not interested in conversing with her when she's upset or screaming. I also know she's tired - we got up early today for Open House, and we will have a readjustment period to school.

Yet when it comes down to it, I really have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. God, I hope that I am.

Despite all of that, what is most clear to me is how much this whole situation is like God's love for us. We kick and scream. We think we know better. We tell the Divine that we hate him/her, yet the love just never stops. The lap is always there ready for us to climb into it.

Unconditional love. I get it.

Mom of the Year? It'll never happen.

The Battle of "Alone"

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I went to the gym today - not an abnormal occurrence in my world... matter of fact, quite normal... but today marked the first day in an entire week that I have gone. That is actually the abnormality. I typically go 3-5 times a week. I need it for mental health reasons.

One of the things that amazes me is how the music I need to listen to just seems to find me. One of the first songs that came up was "Defying Gravity" from the Wicked soundtrack. I listened to it and suddenly realized: "Yes. There it is."

Lines that got me today:

You can have all you ever wanted...

I know. But I don't want it. No. I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.

It's time to try defying gravity.

I'm through accepting limits

Cause someone says they're so.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.

Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost.

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free.

This summer has been odd. I've alluded to that before talking about going in circles. But what is intriguing to me is that I came "this close" to losing myself again. There's a circle if ever there was one. I found myself justifying things that weren't what I really wanted in a relationship. Due to various circumstances and conversations, I was dealt a healthy reminder of what's important early on. I still fought it, but I think I may have finally learned this lesson. I certainly hope I have, anyway.

I may not want to be alone when all is said and done. But I'd rather be alone and happy with who I am than to have compromised on what I want just so I'm not alone.

I have to admit how frustrating being a single mom is at times. It does get lonely. While I regret nothing, there are times that my desire to be a bit more free and able to date and do various things that are "responsibility free" can be huge. Usually hits when I meet someone who I really want to be with who is more "responsibility free" than I am because there are no kids at home. And it's hard not to feel that someone loses interest in me because I'm a mom with kids who will be around for at least another 8 years - that the other person doesn't want to give up his lifestyle for mine. I've felt that now 3 times, but it has only been confirmed to me once.

It's sad, really. I have two fabulous children. They are the lights of my life and I enjoy them more than they can ever realize... at least until they have their own children - then maybe they'll know. They add so much depth and joy to my being, and while I'd love to share that with someone, I cannot compromise on what I want and need just to have someone else. That's what got me here in the first place. And while my kids do cause me to be more permanently bound to where I live than I'd like to admit, where I live has such a shallow dating pool it isn't funny.

One day I might go from being a MILF to a MILHARW [Mom I'd like to have a relationship with - and yes, I find both acronyms amusing], but until then, I hope the frustration that I've felt of late doesn't overtake the sheer joy I have because of my children. I was glad they weren't home to witness that frustration, honestly.

What I know: I can't lose myself again. I can't change who I am for anyone else. And I don't need to compromise on what I need/want so I'm not alone.

Matter of fact, I won't. And if I have to listen to this song 100 times a day to remind me of that, then so be it.

Least Complicated

"the hardest to learn was the least complicated"

Things I've heard lately that fuel my thoughts - some of these are in my own head... some of these are from friends:

• "I hate to see you wasting your time."
• "What do you want?"
• "Live in the present."
• "If only life offered us more easy answers."
• "Don't settle."

I've been listening to the voices, and I'm sensing a pattern. And none of this seems complicated, yet I tend to make it so. I think the answers may be easier than I realized.

And what I thought represented a fresh start seems to be nothing more than a circle.

Back to moving forward again.

Circles

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I haven't written here in awhile, and I've decided that it is because I've been going around in circles. Personally, professionally, and literally with the constant taxi driving.

That seems to be changing.

Professionally, I expected it in some way. My cohort just graduated, and I spent the better parts of March and April getting them out the door. I still have work to do for them to be "done," but it's not pressing yet, but will be done by the end of this week. I've had a hard time focusing with work, but again - that's what happened last time I finished a cohort. I'm so very proud of them and how much they have grown. And consequently, I'm mourning them a little bit. Tons of energy poured into them - probably more than they can ever realize, but that's ok. They fed me for so long, more than they realized, too. That mourning will likely continue awhile.

Yet that caused me not to get to the gym like I needed to. I had not been able to run because of injuring my knee training for and during the half marathon. And the girls have been needy with end of the school year things. And my house got very messy. Things around me seemed out of whack, and in some ways I felt like I was sinking back into a hole that felt too familiar. Needs of everyone else consumed me, and I couldn't get a breath of air.

So at the end of March/beginning of April I started coming to terms with what was happening, and reassessing where I was. And started taking those small steps to stop spinning in circles. To breathe again.

The girls were on spring break the last week of March/first week of April, and while I worked that week, I also took a little bit of time for me. Went to Atlanta, did therapy of all kinds, including a wonderful girls' night out, and then stayed in a hotel downtown. The combination of the therapies and that night helped me put some things in perspective. I knew that work would be crazy until May, but I didn't have to let that impact me personally, too. On the way home from Atlanta, I rode home with the radio up and windows down, and felt a lot of baggage just floating out the window. I felt different when I got home.

That night I got a text from a man who I've talked to for several years, but really didn't know. And we started going to dinner, and to coffee. We've seen each other several times a week for the past two months, and I'm enjoying his company. Enjoying a fresh perspective. I find the timing intriguing - just as I'm letting some things go and working to stop spinning in circles, here comes a new friend who seems to be here at just the time I need something different. Someone who doesn't represent a circle.

Meanwhile, I'm taking steps to get things back in order. They are small steps. I've been able to start running again. I cleaned my office at work, and started the task of spring cleaning - The girls' rooms, my closet, bathroom, and drawers have all been tackled. Sometime this week I'll get to the garage, kitchen, laundry room, my "pile" in the living room, and corner of my bedroom.

The girls are gone this week - the first of 6 weeks without them this summer, and while I miss them, I'm appreciative of a lull in the taxi driving and the chance to get caught up on some things for me.

Time to move forward.

Brains in my Head and Feet in My Shoes

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What a great day!

The weather outside? Frightful. Cold, rainy, miserable, dreary. Occasional sleet. If we lived 15 miles north we would have had snow. It's one of those days that you just want to crawl under the covers with a good book, or sit by the fire and not go anywhere.

So, what did I do today? Student observations - all day long. The longest day of observations I've had in a very, very long time. And I have to admit, I wasn't looking forward to it when the day started.

I walked into the first observation this morning and was pleasantly surprised with what I saw. The student has been struggling somewhat, but today she was prepared, enthusiastic, and reading Dr. Seuss aloud to her kids, since today is his birthday.

I have to say this just made me very happy. First, to see her doing better. But secondly, to hear Dr. Seuss, and be reminded that something so simple can be so beautiful.

After I left her classroom, I posted a "Seussism" on facebook. It just seemed appropriate.

From there I went to another school, and started making my rounds. After awhile, I decided to change my facebook status to another "Seussism," and I continued to do this close to hourly all day.

The day progressed - more observations, lunch with my daughter, a trip to Starbucks when I finished my rounds (since that just sounded good since it was so cold and I only had about 45 minutes before school was out, so going to my office seemed pointless), a stop at the book fair after school, dance practice, band concert, a rushed trip to Wendy's after the concert so we didn't starve, and beginning a new book at dinner that NONE of us have read tonight (thanks to the book fair).

The day itself wasn't phenomenal in many ways - just another day of work and our weekly routine, for the most part.

But today... today... I greatly enjoyed today. There was something about being in an elementary school all day, watching kids, observing students make progress, thinking about Dr. Seuss, even seeing a principal dressed up as The Cat in the Hat [whole 'nuther thought process about that, but that's an aside], going through the Tuesday afternoon routine plus some with my kids that just resonated with me today.

Dr. Seuss was part of it. That man left us so much wisdom in such simple ways:

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It's not."

"A person's a person, no matter how small."

"If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good."

"So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed)"

Yeah, it's a balancing act, alright. Today was proof positive of that. There are so many more wonderful "Seussisms," but what great reminders he left us. Here's one more:

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

I could have gone to dreary/miserable today - to have my mood match the weather. I didn't, though. Today, I was happy. Deep down in the gut happy. Why? Because I chose to see the positives rather than the negatives. To be in touch with simple truths rather than complex frustrations. To see how it is all about the children, whether they are mine or someone else's. To know that what I do and how I do it impacts so many. And in so doing, feel a part of the greater good in this world.

What a great place to go.